Eight days into 2018

Eight days into 2018

The first few days of 2018 have been absolutely insane. I turned 24, I officially moved to a new city, I saved a man from a fire, I’ve got those “new year goals” underway and I’ve witnessed the environment reach negative 20 degrees Fahrenheit. I know, Happy New Year to me!

To be quite honest, it hasn’t been all that bad. Actually, it’s been really great. I’ll give you a quick synopsis of each point above.

Turning 24

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Yeah. 24. I’ve been living on this Earth for over 24 years. I’ve seen and done a lot over these past few years alone and I’m just starting to see where my light is heading. I’m started to fully grasp the direction I should be heading in. It doesn’t mean I understand where exactly this light is heading or why I’m going this way but I feel moving in forward. 2017 made me have so many “Ah-ha” moments, I’ve had some of my largest revelations. After having those moments, I’ve looked at life in a complete different focus and point of view. “Her dreams went out the door when she turned 24,” from the hit song “1985” by Bowling for Soup is quickly proving to be quite accurate. Because the dreams I had at 23 are certainly not the dreams I have going into my 24th year. And I hope those dreams keep changing and happening.

Moving to a new city

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I’M IN BUFFALO! On Dec. 30, I packed up almost all my things from my parent’s house in Ithaca, NY, and traveled 121 miles West to Buffalo: “An All America City.” And yes, that is the sign that welcomes those on the New York State Thruway into the city. All my things are slowly and surely settling into place in my apartment. It’s spacious, tons of storage, great water pressure, (literally) seconds away from everything in town and an array of stores that can’t be found in Ithaca. I’ve been living here for almost a week and the things I miss the most are (in this order:) my dog, my family and friends, the local restaurants and Ithaca’s natural beauty. I started the job hunt and I am optimistic that the city will lead me to a job and money in the bank!

Saving a man from a fire

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Yes, I did help save a man in a fire. And yes, Wonder Woman captures how I feel looking back on that moment. During the second night of 2018 my mom and I were playing cards at our dining room table when I was about to stare aimlessly outside the window, at what I thought would be my reflection, turned out to be a fire starting on my neighbor’s porch. I yelled out, “FIRE!”, to my mom, running towards the phone to dial 9-1-1. A trembling in my chest lingered as I waited until an operator answered, my mom rushing out to her car to drive across the street (our house sits back ways from the road) to save anyone who was in the house. I ran up to the top of our driveway and just watched. The smell of debris flew through the air, the clouds of smoke filled the sky, and the illuminating light of yellow and orange colors pierced though me. A man is going to see 2018 because my mom and I saved him. An honor of a lifetime.

New Year, new goals

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I’m not one for the whole, “New Year, new me” mentality. In actuality, the “new” entails new beginnings, new adventures, new experiences. We should be continuing to change and grow as humans. That’s an inevitable part of life, change, but the change we endure shouldn’t make us into necessarily “new” people. We’re just discovering who we’re meant to be in every moment of our lives. I’m also not prone to keeping goals; I’m ambitious and capable of a lot of things and unfortunately, keeping goals is one I’m just not capable of (yet.) So that’s why, in 2018, I am going to be keeping some goals. I don’t find them out of reach or one’s I won’t be able to keep throughout the next 357 days remaining in 2018.

  • Use a planner every day/week
  • Plan a trip for 2018 and 2019
  • Save $5,500
  • Read at least 20 books
  • Experience more theatre
  • See my student loans under $30,000 (or as close to that as possible)
  • Live a healthier lifestyle
  • Blog more (I bought a domain, I should use it more.)
  • Take a photography class (and pursue photography more in general)
  • Live life with more fulfillment

Negative 20 degree Fahrenheit

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Shit was cold. It was crazy insane. Yeah, that’s all I got on the weather. Buffalo weather is really cold and changes almost as much as the weather changes in Ithaca.

So with 2018 settling in on all of us, I hope to find this year with lots of successes, failures, lessons, goals, changes and experiences. From the classic musical written by the late Jonathan Larson, “Rent:” “It’s gonna be a happy New Year.”

My body is none of your business

My body is none of your business

I’m fat. I have a lot of fat on my body. I’ve had all this fat since I six years old. I have always had bigger arms, bigger legs, a rounder stomach that most people growing up in elementary school, middle school and high school didn’t have. I’ve heard every negative word to my face, online and behind my back at least five times a day in school growing up. I’ve heard I need to go on this diet, that diet, lose this much weight, I will be better off when I am thinner or a man will desire me if I am thinner. I could fill an entire novel based on every single negative comment someone – a stranger, bully or family member – has said about my body and weight.

I’m going to be 24 in December and it’s taken me the last five to six years to start learning to unlearn all the negative bullshit I’ve been told about my body and self-image in order to accept my space, literal and figurative, in this world.

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There is this stigma in society that if you’re fat, have a lot fat or are not in the ideal body weight of your age and height, then you’re unhealthy. I’m going to debunk that right here, right now.

Body weight is not a sole factor in determining whether you are healthy or not. Body weight does not determine your happiness or worth.

There are plenty of people on this Earth who exercise regularly (or not) and eat healthy who are not a size two or four,  There are also people who have never exercised in their life, eat like garbage, who have a thinner set and are absolutely unhealthy.

So here I am, I am going to tell you what it’s like being a woman with a lot of fat on her body. We’re going to talk about that exercise life first.

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I love working out. I love the atmosphere of a good gym and getting a killer workout in during my day. I love doing some mean cardio and spending most of my times in front of the mirror working on free-weights or on the various machines. I have recently increased my weights in the 50-80 on various arm machines, 100-140 on leg machines and free weights I am around 15-20 lbs. I get stupidly happy when I realize a lower weight is too easy for me. I love sweating because it makes me know that my body is working hard.

Some people don’t like working out and that’s okay. Not everyone has to like it but I am someone who does. Second point I’m going to move onto is eating.

I eat absolutely horrible. I do, I eat like garbage. But I don’t drink soda and to be quite honest, I don’t eat sweets all the time. I do enjoy a mean spinach-based salad, fruit and not processed food, truly, but greens are definitely not my choice.

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When I first moved to Ithaca I went to this one dentist in town and asked me point blank, “How much soda do you drink per day?” with a nice sexist gesture towards my body. *Cue Jim Halpert camera stare* Because if you’re fat, you automatically like soda, right? Wrong.

I politely told him that I didn’t drink soda. My main form of beverage is that ice cold H20; ask any of my close friends. He couldn’t believe me and for over three years when I went to that specific practice, the hygienists and dentist asked me repeatedly about my soda consumption.

And my answer every single time was, “I don’t drink soda. Please stop asking me that.”

I have a lot of fat because I eat like garbage, not because I drink soda. I have a lot of fat on my body because my body craves sugar and starch like a smoker craves nicotine. My body is so used to those substances that it will literally go into some sort of withdrawal if I don’t give it the sugar and starch it wants. It’s hard to resist temptation, it’s more than just saying, “I’m not going to eat that.”

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I can lose weight, I’ve done it before. My freshman year of college I lost 42 pounds; since then I gained that and then some back. When I gained all that weight back I was going through a really hard time emotionally where I ate most of my feelings away. Now, I’m not in that emotional state and I am finally out of college so it’s just a matter of time to fully commit to a better lifestyle in my head.

I’m still going to work out, I’m going to watch what I eat the best I can and I’m going to make small changes in order to be better. 30% is working out, 20% is what you eat and 50% is all about mentality. If you get through that 50% worth of mentality the other 50% falls into place. I need to figure out how to successfully have that 50% positive mental state in losing weight.

I am beautiful at the weight I am now. I am happy. I am healthy. I am fine just the way I am now. My worth is not in what other people think of me but of what I think of myself. My body size is not to please or be desirable to a man but to please me. The only person who has to accept the choices made over my body is me; not you who is reading, not the boys and girls who picked on me when I was younger, not my family, not my friends, not my doctor, not my dentist. I’m not going to apologize for the space I take up because someone else is uncomfortable in it.

As I wrap this up, I will leave you with this advice: don’t comment on someone else’s appearance. Don’t assume that a person is unhealthy by the way they look. Don’t comment on what someone eats. Don’t comment on their weight. Keep your negative comments to yourself; they are not welcomed. If you do decide to comment on someone’s weight or eating choices, I promise they will call you out on it. Don’t judge a book by its cover.

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